How to Take a Dick Pic That Actually Looks Good

Dick pics get a bad rap, partly because far too many are sent without either warning or consent. But why should people with breasts and vaginas be the sole holders of the nude torch? If you're a person with a penis and your female-bodied partner has sent you nudes, perhaps you should return the favor.

However, there are rules. Dick pics didn't fall into notoriety without good reason. Anthony Weiner, perhaps the most infamous dick-pic fanatic of them all, has taught the world many dick pics don'ts: Don’t tweet your dick pic. Don’t take dick pics with children in your bed. Don’t send dick pics to women you’re cheating on your wife with, and do not under any circumstances send a dick pic to a minor. (If you are a minor, don't send dick pics, either.) With those basics out of the way, here are nine more dos and don’ts to keep in mind when mastering the art of the phallus photo.

1. DO: Obtain Consent

Obtaining consent is rule number one. The easiest way to do so is simply to ask. You’re allowed to be chill about it; dirty talk is my favorite way to turn potentially awkward sex questions from uncomfortable to sexy. Text your lover something along the lines of, “Hey, I’m hard just thinking about you. Can I show you what you’re doing to me?” They’ll understand what you’re talking about. Bluntness also has its benefits; there’s nothing wrong with asking, “So how do you feel about dick pics?” If your partner is sending you sexy photos, it’s a pretty good sign that you can send one back, although it never hurts to ask. They might even request one from you, and then if you want to (consent is a two-way street), fire away, friend. More visit: How to do bondage

After gaining consent, catapult away cock shots to your long-term partner, your girlfriend, or the sexting buddy you met online. However, if you find yourself feeling the urge to impress a crush who may have no sexual interest in you, please flush that impulse down the toilet (and maybe your phone, just to be safe). Sending an unexpected and unwanted dick pic to someone isn’t just annoying; it’s a violation.

2. DON'T: Discount Fashion

Once a male suitor sent me a photo of his erection in which he was completely naked...except for a pair of white socks and his running shoes. I repeat, his running shoes! He took the photo standing up, with the phone pointing down at his penis. It was indeed a lovely penis, but all I could stare at was those glaring white tube socks. When sending a dick pic, either take off all your clothing for an actual nude photo or perhaps pull your dick out of your jeans and hold it with one hand in a tasteful manner. Do not get buck naked except for your socks. Also, when taking a dick pic, do not stand in front of the mirror in the funniest thing a dude can wear: a T-shirt and no bottoms.

3. DO: Think About If You Want To Include Your Face

In an ideal world, we could all show our faces in nudes without fear of someone later using them against us as revenge porn. Unfortunately, as demonstrated by Rob Kardashian and others, humans aren’t always so kind here on planet Earth. If you want to show your beautiful dome in your dick pic, do so. It’s not a crime to take a nude selfie; it is a crime to share someone else’s nude without their permission. If you’re worried about including your face out of fear that your recipient will share it with their friends, don’t include it — and think about whether this is a person you want to be sending nudes to in the first place. There are apps out there that let you send encrypted photos for free (Whatsapp, Viber), but they can't outsmart screenshots and no level of technological security is a substitute for trust.

4. DON'T: Forgo Art Direction

A dick pic is like meatloaf: It has a pretty bad rap, but when composed correctly and served consensually, it can be delicious. Rather than just bust out your junk and snap a blurry photo, take a moment to consider aesthetics. Make sure the lighting isn’t too harsh (all genitals get ingrown hairs and other bodily marks that are totally normal and healthy, but that you probably don’t want to draw attention to in a photo). Angles are key: If you don’t want to show your face, recline your body, and hold your erection in one hand. Snap the photo with the other at an upward angle that accentuates your boner. If you’re also trying to show off your bod and that seductive smile, stand in front of a full-length mirror. If you’re a selfie pro, there’s no shame in breaking out the timer or a selfie stick to capture a perfect full-body shot.

5. DO: Think About Timing

Have you ever opened an email at the office as your coworkers mingle around your desk discussing their budgets and weekend BBQs, only to have your inbox flash a giant set of boobs for all to see? That’s embarrassing — for absolutely all parties involved. Unless you’re in the midst of a hot, “I know you’re at work, but I want you now” sexting fit with your partner, don’t fire off dick pics during working hours. We’re all trying our best to be professional adults, damn it.

6. DON'T: Break Out the Ruler

I know your dick is nine inches long. You told me the very first time we had sex, and my vagina quickly figured it out as well. I also now understand why your email address and social media handles all include the number nine. Adding a ruler next to your penis in your dick pic to remind me once again comes off as (pardon the expression) a bit cocky, not to mention wholly unnecessary.

7. DO: Consider the Background

I’m sorry, is that your penis in that photo? Are you trying to turn me on? Because I’m heavily distracted by the condom wrapper flopped on top of a stinky pile of clothing behind you...and is that your PlayStation peeking out from underneath the gym shorts? Is sweat good for electronics? When sending a dick pic, either focus the photo exclusively on your elegant phallus, held up by your hand if you like, or take a full-body shot in front of a mirror with a clean and non-distracting background (see rule number four on art direction). You’re trying to elicit arousal not concern about your living conditions.

8. DON'T: Take Yourself Too Seriously

A stone-faced, seductive dick pic has its place. However, if you want to goof around a little bit that's totally allowed. Sex is supposed to be fun, and sometimes adding goofiness to a dick pic can make it that much more endearing. I would laugh my ass off if a guy sent me a dick pic with a smiley face drawn in marker on the head of his peen.

9. DO: Send Dick Pics If You Don't Have a Penis

Taking a dick pic isn't just an activity for people with penises to enjoy. Women, trans guys and nonbinary folks can and should (consensually) snap and share dick pics, too — in my opinion, strap-on dick pics are as hot as it gets.